When our firstborn left home to attend college, I remember thinking, “Our lives now will become a series of comings and goings.” I had no idea at that moment, the impact of that statement. I couldn’t have been more contented with the life we lived prior to this earthquake of a transition. Our lives were tightly knit together under one roof. Always aware where each other was. Sharing life together. Then one by one the threads of each child’s life were loosened. And eventually each formed their own tightly knit togetherness under their own roofs.
Releasing our children to follow God’s will for their lives is always challenging. However, for those of us the challenge is intensified when God’s plan leads them to distant places. Out of four children, only one lives nearby. And for a time, our son’s stateside has brought him and his family closer.
Honestly, I’m not as contented with life as I was when all four of my children lived at home. But tenderly and gently, God prepared my heart to find a new way to be contented. A verse that has been a personal mainstay for me is Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.
That verse reminded me that God’s will for my children’s future was not intended to make me miserable. The plans He had for me and the plans He has for them, are good plans that will bring us a hopeful future. My trust in God to guide my beloveds has been empowered as I have prayed Psalm 25:4 over them:
Show them the right path, O LORD; Point out the road for them to follow. Lead them by your truth and teach them…
By choosing God’s will over my will for my children, I have discovered a valuable truth. While the separation continues to be difficult, a daily dependence on God and His word makes it doable.
“Mom, I have some news for you and it may not be easy for you to take. I feel God is calling me (and my wife, or and my wife and children) to the mission field.”
For many parents that’s a bombshell of a newsflash. Depending upon the family status of our child, it may throw us into a chaos of emotions.
Perhaps, having undergone such an experience myself, I could offer some advice on what to avoid.
As parents (and family members), thoughts begin to flood our minds of all that we will have to sacrifice. Yet as soon as the initial storm has subsided (and that time varies for everyone), we must come to terms with its effect.
Even though their news strikes us at the core, we must be sensitive to the agony our children are experiencing. Remember, this is a calling God has placed upon their lives. Before coming to us with their announcement, our children have spent much time pondering and praying over their decision.
For the sake of our children, we must be willing to scrutinize our reaction to their news. Were we more concerned over how this will affect us? Of the sacrifices and the pain that will now color our future? On behalf of our children, we must not be afraid to ask ourselves the following question:
Have we made this all about us?
We must not forget that as our children serve on the mission field, they will face difficult days and situations. The difficulty of saying goodbye to their families is only the beginning. If we are in despair over their leaving, we must understand that only adds to the burdens they are already carrying.
Yes, we are hurting! There’s no need to pretend we are not. But our children need to know that we are depending upon God (not our child) to carry this burden.
The end result of our resolve will serve to lighten their load.
Because we have chosen NOT to make it all about us.
Now and then the separation gets to us. Just being honest here. Having moved well on down the path of this missionary parent journey, I have been empowered by God’s grace and mercy to accomplish the letting go process. “Yes, I can do this!”
But I’m learning that while I CAN DO this, it’s a process that is ongoing. It’s not a one time experience. Having to let go of my son and his family, did help me when the time came to also let go of two of his sister’s and their families. I had done it before, and I drew on the strength I was given then so I could do it again.
Yet time and time again the pain of missing my children and their families keeps reoccurring. Confession time, “I’m not a super Christian.” I see other families who live close to each other and sometimes I envy them. Yep, I do!
However, what I keep coming back to is, “This is MY reality!” This is what God has chosen for me. My children have made their choices to leave, based on what God has called them to.
He has called them, therefore I MUST continue in letting them go! Not letting go will result in problems for them and for me. My unwillingness to release them, places me and them in bondage to my disobedience.
Not going to do that folks! Most days, I can accept my reality. But on those days when I am not so successful, I focus my thinking on God’s gifts. Gifts of children who love and obey God are at the top my list. I make a huge mistake when I compare my gift to the ones He has given others. Their gifts are not mine. My gifts are custom designed just for me. It’s important to remember that!
Recently I had the sweet privilege of meeting a brand new missionary’s mom. A few days after Christmas her daughter, son in law, and one year old granddaughter will leave for the mission field. She is about to embark upon a difficult journey. The same journey that I began January 4, 2012. I have been where she is about to go. And because I was standing there in front of her, living and breathing (and smiling), she has reason to hope!
Flashback
I remember that Christmas in 2011. We had enjoyed a Christmas for the memory books. All 17 of us (at that time) sharing, laughing, cooking, then snacking and overeating, watching White Christmas, Holiday Inn, Christmas in Connecticut, Muppet Christmas Carol (that’s just the short list). Oh, we packed as much as was possible into those few days before my son and daughter in law left for the mission field. We had a bulging album of pictures and memories before it was all said and done.
But the dreaded day came, nevertheless! It’s strange how; yes we can feel pride for our children for answering the call to missions. But honestly, when describing the feelings I felt on that day when we stood on the porch waving our last goodbye, the feeling of pride evaded me. I kept thinking about how life here was now going to happen without my son and daughter in law. And their lives were now going to happen without us.
Yet through it all, I never felt abandoned by God or that all of this was impossible for me to deal with. He was faithful in sending me to verses that addressed my pain. (like Psalm 30:5b, Weeping may be for a night, but joy comes in the morning) Verses like this and so many more empowered me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out consistently.
Twelve years ago my son left his homeland to serve God overseas. Since that time he has married, he and his wife have had two boys, and they are now living in their 4thforeign country.
I began writing this blog when my son and daughter in law first left for Africa. I wrote it for a two-fold reason. As therapy for myself–it helps a lot to put my feelings into words. And to help other mom’s who might be facing the journey I was about to embark upon. I saw myself as a trail blazer for them.
I am now in the 12thyear of this journey. And experience has brought many things into it’s proper perspective. I’ve had to learn how to get my ‘self’ out of the way! Not so easy to do my dear readers. For those first few days were a train wreck in intensity! All I could think about was the vastness of space and time that now separated my son and I. Yet, I remember coming to the realization that my son’s work could be positively or negatively affected by the manner in which I handled this separation.
I have three daughters who up until recently lived in the same state with me. Now, only one daughter and her family live nearby. I have had to draw again and again upon those valuable lessons learned twelve years past as I released two daughters and their families to go and do God’s bidding.
It’s hard to do such releasing, but I don’t care to be miserable because my babes are too far away. It’s not easy to lay aside your personal pain. But if we let our pain become our focus, it will destroy us. It will also hamper the work God calls our children to. Instead, we can choose to enjoy the blessings and comforts God is so good to give us when we choose to obey and release!
I grew up on a farm, with three other siblings. The cultural way of things was to grow up, earn a living, get married, and raise a family all within the confines of our place of origin. And that’s pretty much the way it played out, until I came along!
In my early 20’s, God dramatically changed the course of my life. Leaving behind everything that was familiar to me, and stepping out in faith, I moved to a different city and enrolled in college.
Then surprisingly about 30 years ago, God lead my husband to pastor a beautiful local church near my parent’s home. During that time our girls headed off to the college my husband and I had attended. My son was preparing to farm (for we now lived on the farm where I had grown up) when he graduated from high school.
One by one my daughters married and moved away from home. Although, I released each of my children to serve God wherever He called them to, the release, nevertheless,proved to be painful. Then, as in my life as a young adult, God dramatically changed the course of my son’s life, eventually, leading him to Africa.
My spiritual background equipped me to do what my cultural background could not. I knew what it was like to leave the familiar behind to follow God’s call. As I released each of my 4 children, I drew upon those lessons learned in my young adult years. Did those lessons serve to make it easier on me to release my children? Nope, not at all! But the Truth’s of God’s word made it doable.
No matter how proud we may be of our children’s achievements, letting go of them is super hard. Therefore, we need to call upon something other than our own strength and will. I couldn’t have done it without God. I suspect you can’t either!
Thanks to that beautiful satellite that circles the earth, we don’t have to feel so disconnected from our children when they leave to parts unknown. And thankfully communicating via the internet, doesn’t cost us anything! Back in the day, when people traveled across the ocean to answer a call from God, their parents didn’t know if they would ever see them again. In our day, we have been spared that burden. We have much to be grateful for, don’t we.
Pray and share with our children how we are praying
Praying constantly for our children across the seas, is a given. We don’t have to be told to do this, do we! I suggest finding bible verses that address their particular needs. This would be helpful and encouraging to them.
Stay informed as to our children’s prayer requests
We should also ask our children for their prayer requests. And when appropriate, recruit others to pray for those needs. The more people that are praying for our children, the better. But remember:
Keep confidences
Security levels vary depending on where our children are serving. Seek their permission before sharing their prayer requests. Become informed as to how it should be worded, if it is to be shared. It is not necessary or wise to give too much detail.
As a general rule, be vague about using personal and place names
Many of our children are on Facebook, so check out how they present information there. Follow their lead when you share anything online. Personally, I limit myself when giving out details concerning personal and place names. My children’s service area doesn’t require this, but I prefer to play it safe when I am writing my blogs. And with all that’s going on with Facebook these days, we should be careful about any information we place there.
Keep them informed of what’s going on back home (the good and the not so good)
Being so far away, our children loose touch with the daily goings on. Even though they may miss being with family and friends back home, they still want to stay connected. So, keep them informed of the major events and be sensitive about the details you choose to share. Some things are best not to share. Depend on God’s leading in this.
Make sure our children have no doubt of our support
Our children have made some radical changes in their lifestyles to follow God’s call upon their lives. They need to know that their families back home not only are praying for them but support them wholeheartedly. They have enough to deal with. We only add to their load if their family back home, for whatever reason, can’t release them to their calling. Let’s keep our focus on what is best for them. We have God’s grace to give us the strength we need to let them go.
when I first said goodbye to my son and daughter in law. They were leaving for their first term on the mission field.
If you go back and read those first blogs (and if you have just sent off a child to work overseas, I recommend you go back and read them) you might find just the comfort and resolve needed for the journey you find yourself traveling. (search using the dates above)
My first posts do not shy away from describing the realities of the pain I felt. I knew other mom’s in my boat wouldn’t want me to sugar coat the trauma I was going through. But as my readers will note, I walked this difficult journey with Christ as my guide. Through many a painful experience along the way, I’ve found Jesus to be faithful. He allowed me the freedom to be honest with Him about what I was feeling. Because in describing my feelings, the Holy Spirit would impart verses of Scripture. Words from God that would bring the strength and healing that I needed. My posts shares those particular verses.
Since 2012 my son and his family, (yes, two grandsons have come along) have come home once. That was a roller coaster ride of emotions. Extreme highs and extreme lows intensified by the fact that two of my daughters and their families moved out of state about the time my son and his family returned overseas. (Refer to my other blog: http://www.fierydarts.com, posted 1-18-18)
It’s not been easy. Yet here I sit, posting yet again on my blog as a mom who by God’s grace has survived more separation than I care to mention. And I can honestly say, if it weren’t for God’s guidance, grace, and comfort I would be of all mom’s most miserable. But on the positive side…I can honestly say the joys and blessings I have received through this separation far, far exceeds the pain I endured.
If you are sending a child to a far away land, turn to God’s Word. It will light your way!
God’s plans can be trusted as He points out inJeremiah 29:11.
Recently, my husband and I were honored to open our home to a family who were soon to become the newest members of the Echelon team. (The team which our son and daughter in law serve with) A young couple with 3 young children.
There was a time when I would simply not be able to fathom why a young family such as they would be willing to give up all the comforts of life in the US to go live in a seemingly God forsaken place as a 3rd world country. Why break those tender ties with family and friends and sell most of your worldly possessions? Why break their parent’s hearts by taking their grandchildren away for years at a time? There was a time when I thought, “This is just too hard!”
However, not any more.
Now I get it! Now I understand!
In 2008, I released my son (my only son) to serve God in Peru in the Amazon jungle. It was what he felt God called him to do. I couldn’t argue with that. I had to let him go. There was no talking him out of it!
Then my son got married two years later and two years after that he and my daughter in law left for Africa! Knowing that their children would likely be born there, I summoned up all the strength God gave me and released them. (Sure enough, they now have two boys)
Not one thing about being the mom of a missionary is easy. I’m not going to sugar coat it for you. It’s a hurt like nothing else! But the wonder of it is that it’s doable!
When God calls us to missions, either to go or to release, then He equips us to fulfill that calling. He gives us what we need to carry out our mission. He didn’t take away the pain, He lovingly helped me manage it. It did not overwhelm me! God was so faithful!
I’ve learned that it’s not about what we have to give up or the sacrifices we must make to be obedient to God’s will. No! As I looked into the faces of this new missionary family, I saw courageous excitement for the journey ahead. I see this in the faces of my son and daughter in law. I have seen this in the faces of the many missionary families I have met since my son joined the Echelon team.
Our God doesn’t call us to something that is going to make us, and all concerned, miserable. No indeed! Although, the fiery darts (negative thoughts) may tempt us into thinking so. A life lived in obedience to whatever it is that God has called us to may take courage but never doubt, it will be exciting!
As I keep up with my son and his family on Facebook, I am happy to see that they are getting that physical and emotional rest they need to prepare them for their next venture. We got to see them a couple of weeks in May, which could only be described as glorious chaos! Since then they have spent time with my daughter in law’s family and are presently spending time at a place that, for them, is also home. Then a week to debrief with their mission organization. Hopefully, in a couple of weeks, I will be traveling there to get in an extra week of time with them. Then in August they will be making their way here to spend their last stateside month with us before they leave the country so my son can work on his master’s degree abroad.
Being able to pick up a phone and call them, or communicating with them easily via FaceTime, email, etc., I now see as a luxury. For while they were out of the country, our connections weren’t always good and often their internet was down. But not so here in the good ole USA ,and I am grateful beyond words.
I so look forward to their month long visit in August and, of course, dread the day we will have to say goodbye again. But even then God has given us a lot to look forward to before they actually have to return to Africa. Visiting them in the country where my son will be studying is definitely something I am making plans for, and my son’s last term is a research semester where they will return home for 3 months to wrap things up. And the fact that they are planning on coming home for Christmas, cheers me up immensely!
The Reality of Saying Goodbye!
In all this coming and going since my son and daughter in law left home 4 1/2 years ago, God has gently guided me every step of the way! He has empowered me to manage the pain of releasing them to live their lives apart from us without it overwhelming me. I recorded that lesson in a blog I wrote on 10/7/14, Just Keep THAT Door Closed. From that lesson I learned I could choose not to open the door where painful emotions resided. By refusing to open that door, I was choosing to focus on receiving all the grace and mercy God had in store for me as I obediently released my son and his precious family to God’s calling upon their lives.
I am discovering that while it still hurts to say goodbye, I know because I’ve experienced it, God has some exciting and extraordinary plans for those of our family who must release, as well as for those who go. And as those plans unfold, we all are blessed beyond what we could have imagined. For when God gives us hard things to do, He faithfully provides rewards along the way that makes the hard thing doable!
My son is a missionary in a far away land. I have 3 daughters who's husbands are ministers here in the States. One of them lives nearby, the others about 11 hours drive from where I live. Because my husband was a pastor being the mom of daughters whose husband's were ministers was something I was very familiar with, BUT I was clueless about what it was like to be the mom of a foreign missionary. So this blog is a "learn as I go" project and it is my intention (& mission) to help other parents (esp moms) to face this calling with God's grace and power. If I can do this, I KNOW you can!
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The source that guides me as a missionary’s mom!
It’s a challenging calling, being the mom of a missionary. One that requires sources beyond my personal strength to handle. Fiery Darts, a blog of practical applications (based on my book, Fiery Darts: Satan’s Weapon of Choice), is an essential component of that strength. Hope you will check it out!
Being the Mom of a Missionary 